Yeah, that's meant to be facetious. My brain doesn't work. Hell, I even had to look up the spelling of that word. I use that word all the time. I know how to spell. But, apparently, my brain took a hiatus. Why can't I just understand things? Why do I make them so difficult and frustrating? I'm so afraid of not being able to understand something, not knowing the things I think I should know, not being including and feeling in the dark about everything that I end up pigeon-holing myself into that very situation. I cast myself out and push everyone away. Consequently, I get so confused and frustrated that I just want to be left alone anyway. This, of course, makes me feel even more like the above and I get even more depressed and angry. So, in sum, I am my own worst enemy. As usual.
Everyone here at work is pissy with a side of salted wounds. I'm not sure why and what kind of bug has crawled up everyone's asses but, apparently, it's contagious. I look in the mirror and I want to smack myself for being the same senseless, self-loathing, ignorant chump as I see when I look around me. I was doing great, and then my lack of sleep must've caught up with me or something. Or, perhaps, it's that weird "sensitive" stuff people say that I have. Why must I inherit the moods of those around me. And, why does it have to always be the negative moods. Is our society that horrible that the only strong moods people carry are negative. If someone was in a very happy, energetic, positive mood that was stronger than the negative sour fuck next to him, would I then pick up that mood? Or does this "sensitive" thing only work with the negative? Or, is it that there are sooooo many people feeling negative, that I have no other choice... ? What the fuck? I need to learn more about this so I can try to control it.
Maybe I just need sleep. Good sleep, at that. 3 hours tops last night. I got almost 10 hours Friday night and was doing okay. Although, I have to admit that the almost 10 hours felt more like what I think 5 hours should feel like. So, therefore my average of 5 hours a night feels more like 2.5 hours. No wonder why I never have enough energy, why my good moods never last, why I look like a 14 year old going through puberty with spots all over my face. No wonder why I don't know how to handle anything...good or bad.
I guess, all I want right now is to be left alone so that I can sleep and not think. Idk. That's not true. But, I think that's all that I am capable of doing right now.
P.S. Daddy, I miss you.
No comments:
Post a Comment