I don't know what to think anymore

My brain hurts. People drive me nuts. I don't want to be let down. I don't want to let anyone else down. Whatever.


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Fashion Faux-Pas?! Are these for real?!

These are ACTUALLY for sale online...amazing...

The Limited: abominable snowman?









































DSW:


























it looks like an insane asylum for your feet:






















more to come, I'm sure...

Who's who?

So, I check out the MP3 Downloads page on Amazon.com and under the "New and Notable MP3s" heading, the following 2 CD covers appear right next to one another.... one for Adam Lambert and one for Rhianna.

Is it just me or do these 2 people look almost identical?! I'm sooo confused!

I don't pretend to know what's going on in the trendy hollywood popular world...but...well...yeah...

pissy with a side of salted wounds

Seriously? "pissy with a side of salted wounds" what does that even mean? ughhh. I'm so done.


And, I feel like I miss out on everything... like my brain gets filled to capacity and I feel overwhelmed...and I must give off that impression or perhaps it's just because I'm shy. idk. just feel like people dismiss as someone that they would include. People don't think of me as someone with whom they'd like to share new things, news, ideas, etc... Perhaps I don't give off the "right" reaction or perhaps I don't fully understand everything out about it so I don't appear to be as interested. Idk... I'm not even sure what I'm saying... no one reads this shit anyway. I'm just venting...

What a gorgeous day?!

Yeah, that's meant to be facetious. My brain doesn't work. Hell, I even had to look up the spelling of that word. I use that word all the time. I know how to spell. But, apparently, my brain took a hiatus. Why can't I just understand things? Why do I make them so difficult and frustrating? I'm so afraid of not being able to understand something, not knowing the things I think I should know, not being including and feeling in the dark about everything that I end up pigeon-holing myself into that very situation. I cast myself out and push everyone away. Consequently, I get so confused and frustrated that I just want to be left alone anyway. This, of course, makes me feel even more like the above and I get even more depressed and angry. So, in sum, I am my own worst enemy. As usual.

Everyone here at work is pissy with a side of salted wounds. I'm not sure why and what kind of bug has crawled up everyone's asses but, apparently, it's contagious. I look in the mirror and I want to smack myself for being the same senseless, self-loathing, ignorant chump as I see when I look around me. I was doing great, and then my lack of sleep must've caught up with me or something. Or, perhaps, it's that weird "sensitive" stuff people say that I have. Why must I inherit the moods of those around me. And, why does it have to always be the negative moods. Is our society that horrible that the only strong moods people carry are negative. If someone was in a very happy, energetic, positive mood that was stronger than the negative sour fuck next to him, would I then pick up that mood? Or does this "sensitive" thing only work with the negative? Or, is it that there are sooooo many people feeling negative, that I have no other choice... ? What the fuck? I need to learn more about this so I can try to control it.

Maybe I just need sleep. Good sleep, at that. 3 hours tops last night. I got almost 10 hours Friday night and was doing okay. Although, I have to admit that the almost 10 hours felt more like what I think 5 hours should feel like. So, therefore my average of 5 hours a night feels more like 2.5 hours. No wonder why I never have enough energy, why my good moods never last, why I look like a 14 year old going through puberty with spots all over my face. No wonder why I don't know how to handle anything...good or bad.

I guess, all I want right now is to be left alone so that I can sleep and not think. Idk. That's not true. But, I think that's all that I am capable of doing right now.

P.S. Daddy, I miss you.

for you...

All i can say right now is that I am sorry. I'm sorry that I let my stubbornness and my pride and my selfish need to say what I think needs to be said without regard to how it may come out get in the way of what's truly important. There are no words that can properly express all the things that are going through my head and how I'm feeling except that these reactions are in no way a reflection of my feelings toward you, or toward anyone in particular... just towards my frustration in general.

You mean the world to me and I couldn't imagine life without you in it. I know things are tough for you. They are for me as well, but that is no reason why I shouldn't be here for you. I have every intention of being here for you and that never changed... just my approach and my perspectives are so skewed right now. That is no excuse but just an explanation as to why I think I'm so quick to snap. So, I apologize and I hope you can try to understand and be patient with me as I will be for you.

This song couldn't have come into my playlist at more perfect moment as it says so much of how I feel:

You say you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
You say you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now let go of your tears some more

How many times have you asked yourself?
Is this the hand of fate now that I’ve been dealt?
You’re so disillusioned this can’t be real
And you can’t stand now the way you feel

I don’t care about what they say
I won’t live or die that way
Tired of figuring out things on my own
Angel’s wings won’t you carry me home?

Chorus:
And when you’re down on your luck
Hey baby It’s a long, long way up
Hold back now, hold back your fears
And when you’re really down and out
And you feel like there’s no way out now
Let go now, let go of your tears some more

Repeat Chorus

I triumphed in the face of adversity
And I became the man I never thought I’d be
And now my biggest challenge, a thing called love
I guess I’m not as tough as I thought I was

I don’t care about what they say
I wanna marry you some day
Gonna wake up, it’s a brand new day
Angel’s wings gonna carry you away
Angel’s wings gonna carry me away
Angel’s wings gonna carry us away

Gonna carry us away
Gonna carry us away
Gonna carry us away

"Angel's Wings" ~Social Distortion

I don't even know where to begin...

To sum it up... today was just horrible...very trying on my patience. I don't know where to begin and don't have the patience to get into it... in fear of the anger that will be riled up inside me even more.. Work pissed me off to the point where I was shaking. Ugh... Regardless, that's how angry I got today at work and then calm down just in time to find out how much of a piece of shit my Uncle is..all the more...and his wife too. I can't handle such low-class bullshit actions that make my mom cry... that's f'n family... I can't even get into it now... I gotta relax so I can try to get some decent sleep in order to deal with another wonderful day full of bullshit...