When your own imperfections are the cause of your own actions but your actions cause your imperfections. ...addictions | OCD | nervous ticks | who the hell knows? I don't really know where I'm going with that... but that's what's going through my head all day today.
On another note... I really hate my dramatic BS east coast family at the moment. I love them cuz they're family but I have lost so much respect for almost all of them. I don't even know how to explain everything properly but this is how I tried to spit out earlier to a friend of mine:
My mom's brother (my uncle)s is a selfish jerk who thinks my Mom should drop everything in her life and come stay with my Gram in Connecticut since she doesn't have Dad around anymore. My Dad passed away March 2nd, 2008. The night before my Dad's Memorial service, my Gram fell and was subsequently admitted to the hospital for 4-5 weeks. Not only were we dealing with the loss of my father following four months of the evilness of Pancreatic Cancer and watching him die slowly in pain, but immediately after, we find ourselves taking care of my Gram.
Gram was brought to IL to attend my father's service by my aunt and uncle... which was a total shock cuz they typically don't do much to extend out to our family, but whatever... When Gram fell (who's practically 90) she banged up her head and face badly and wasn't allowed to go back to CT until over a month later. By that time, my aunt and uncle had to get back to CT to attend to their own things which is understandable. But then they expected my mom to drive gram all the way back to CT and stay to take care of her. Almost the entire side of that family lives in CT. Does this make sense? They wouldn't even meet my mom half-way. In fact, they even at one point said something along the lines of since my mom doesn't have my dad around to worry about anymore than she should have no problem coming out to CT to help out. WTF?!?! 15 hrs drive for my mom vs 20 mins drive for any of them?!?! BULLSHIT!!!!!!
The whole East coast family (most of them) have turned into selfish pieces shits and give guilt trips all the time to my mom saying how much time & effort they spend to take care of gram and that my mom isn't doing her share. They don't care that my mom has her own things to do and that it's not easy for her to just hop on a plane and go out there while they can just swing by my gram's house on their way home from work.
Even my cousin Tricia has been giving guilt trips to me and my sis for not coming out there to visit and we remind her that she hasn't been to Illinois since 1996. She claims it's cuz she doesn't have money but apparently can plan trips oversees. Oh the wonderful fuckin world of Facebook...no one can keep secrets anymore.
Tricia, who doesn't really ever talk to me, IMs me one day out of the blue this past Spring saying how difficult it is on the entire family to be looking after gram and that it's taxing on her and her parents to be doing her chores and errands and making sure shes okay all the time. So, I told her that those things sound like a breeze and that if she wanted to complain about such things that she was more than welcome do so after she changes her father's diapers on his deathbed.
She hasn't spoken to me since.
Kiersten (sis) got married last February and not one of them sent any sort of acknowledgement. She was certainly not expecting them to be able to attend, nor was she even expecting a gift. But, perhaps a card with a "congratulations," "best wishes," "love so & so" ...whatever...something. Do they look down on her because this is her second wedding? I'm sorry but if they ever paid attention to anything or anyone other than themselves they would know that this may have been her second wedding, but certainly not her second marriage as her ex is a piece of shit as well. I'd say they should all get together but these East Coast snobs in my family are apparently too good for anything that is considered to be "below" them.
Then sis got laid off a couple months ago and had some other personal issues. Right in accordance with her personality and her history, she has completely immersed herself into everything but healing from dad since he got sick so, as I predicted, she's going thru a bit of a melt down right now. She finally FINALLY went to the dr and he told her everything ive been saying all along. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, so to speak, by saying that I pre-diagnosed her... it's just frustrating because I feel like she could've come to a better agreement within herself and her own issues much sooner if she'd just let me in.
The Dr. told her that she's in a "fragile state" right now and that she never properly allowed herself to heal and that she has OCD issues, etc etc etc and that she needs to see a counselor and take some meds (anti-depression/anti-anxiety) to help stabilize her to get back on her feet. Surprise, surprise.
But, of course, she's afraid to take meds mainly because of Jayson (her drug-addict ex-husband) and his issues and the other reason is her own mind is in such a state where she feels like a failure if she needs meds to be "normal" yet at the same time recognizes that she overindulges. She says she feels that she doesn't know how to just have a drink, that she has to get drunk. However, I feel that she overindulges in everything... that its not an alcohol problem but rather a problem with herself and having a need to jump into too much...probably to distract her from reality.
So my mom told uncle Don that while K doesn't want people to be aware of her situation while she and mom are in CT, that she would like uncle Don to know so that he doesn't try to push her buttons too much... and he said to my mom that if K is having such a hard time than this is no place for her to be and that she just shouldn't bother. And, he wasn't trying to be considerate...he was being totally pissy about it all.
This crap makes my mom sooo upset and brings her to tears every time things like this happen and she can't go to K cuz even before this "episode" she is way too dramatic so she goes to me to be the logical one. It's nice to know that I'm the go-to daughter but it doesn't make it easy on me to deal with this either. I want her to come to me and I want to be with her... especially because apparently her family keeps failing her.
My Mom just called me to let me know that she has arrived in CT at my Gram's and discovered that the east coast family really have not been doing much of anything ... I guess Gram looks like complete shit...hair all over...looking like a "witch" and that the house is completely disgusting and they even have to go to the store to buy bedding before they go to sleep tonight.
So, what the fuck...where the Hell do they get off saying that it is so taxing on them to take care of Gram (it's not just my aunt, uncle, cousins... my gram's nieces and nephews are there too). They apparently don't do much at all but spend all their time bitching at my mom. What the fuck did she ever do to deserve this? Anyone who knows my mom knows that she is nothing but genuinely nice and such a beautiful person.
F.T.W.
Good thing I'm not out there with them because as much as I'd love to be there with my mom to help her, I'm afraid of what I'd say or do to the fuckin so-called family out there.
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