Creating this blog was a long time coming. I've been wanting to do this for a while, but, like everything else in my life...I lack time and energy but have an overabundance of need/desire for it. I believe that I do have a live journal or something like that floating around somewhere... but that's been long abandoned.
Who knows if anyone will read this and I'm okay with that. I just want to reduce the likelihood of certain people perusing my rants at will. While I'm happy to welcome my mom to the digital age of this century, I can't just rant at will on Facebook or the like without causing her to have her "motherly" concerns. And adding to that is my is my drama queen sister who I love, of course, but she certainly has an unhealthy appetite for drama and an insane knack for finding that button and just digging her claws into it. Sometimes I'm not sure that even she realizes she's doing it...but so be it...I'm not gonna get into that now.
So...here I am...at long last...
Overall, I'm in a decent place in life... certainly have the ups and downs, of course...but, nothing overly crazy going on, for once. However, it seems that every time I get to a decent place it just turns into the "calm before the storm" so I can't help but wait anxiously, looking over my shoulder. Pessimistic? Maybe. Or maybe a tad realistic. I don't know, but I do admit that the "storm" isn't always negative.
So, until last night, I was here in this state of contentment...awaiting somewhat patiently for the big "thing" to happen...hoping for who knows what...perhaps something to fuel that proverbial fire I have burning inside... the fire that is the need for something exciting to happen, something to look forward to... Now I sit here petrified with fear, dread of what could be...
Maybe it's not nearly as bad as I'm thinking...hopefully. Last night, I was sitting on the couch and my cat Nami (aka Tsunami) was sitting on the other end and decided to stand up and walk over to me. As he was trying to stand up, he collapsed slightly onto his hind legs and started crying...loudly. At over 15 pounds, Nami is definitely a fat cat...even though he's lost 2.5 pounds since March...but he's also just a generally big cat and never before has shown any problems in movement. He's 7 years old and has a slight heart murmur, but is still active and playful most of the time... but, also a very loving cat. He actually asks for "uppies" like kids do to their mothers... meowing and reaching up until you pick him up and carry/hold him while he continues to purr away happily giving you nose kisses. And his meows are very soft...almost inaudible most of the time.
So when he collapsed while trying to stand up on a couch he's done this on a million times before and then starts crying loudly, I was certainly concerned. I dropped the phone to attend to him and he looked at me with such sadness and almost a sort of "sheepish" look in his eyes. He didn't appear to be in pain...I was able to touch his legs, paws, back, anywhere without a negative reaction. So I picked him up and put him on the ground so that he was standing and he immediately kinda swayed over to the ottoman and leaned on it while he slowly laid back down and just sat there in a sort of depressed state. But, a few minutes later, he was fine.
Then, 10 or 15 minutes go by and he's sitting on top of the ottoman at this time...appearing content and normal when he decides to get up and jump back onto the floor. And collapses again... falls to the hard floor... I could hear his bones hit the wood. And, again, he cries...even louder. Not like the cry he lets out when I take him to the vet... but more of a cry of fear or something. Again, he didn't show signs of any physical pain when I touched him or moved his limbs or anything. He proceeded to hide behind a chair for a few minutes and then was fine again. He did this one or two more times last night and then again this morning after spending the entire night at my side. He usually does sleep at the foot of my bed but comes and goes and usually gets up as soon as my alarm goes off in the morning, but not today. He stayed as close to my side as possible...more than normal.
Of course, I researched all of this online this morning which only exacerbated by anxious state and my fears all the more real. Reading that this could be a cause of several things including heart disease and precursors to a possible heart attack! He doesn't really have any other symptoms of heartworm disease so I don't think it's that but who knows. His vet appointment this afternoon cannot come soon enough!
Some people think it's silly to be so concerned with a cat..."it's just a pet" but I certainly can't feel that way. Nami has come to be like my child to me. He's been with me through so much during the past 7 years... including my last year in college, graduation, moving back home, moving in with my best friend, getting married, getting divorced, living in uncomfortable situations, losing my father and even forewarning me of that loss within hours before it happened, moving to my first place all to myself...He's been my constant...always there... always loving me and being my little man. The thought of him not being there is simply too much to bear.
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